I am sorry, to many anxiety posts these days, and I don't want to ruin your moods, but I need to write. Yes yes boring..
|When you see it ???|
I am alive, yes I made it through the day.
We all knew I would, but it was a painful day.
I got to the appointment about 10 minutes beforehand, Eirik was with me, waiting with me. I found a water container and got a drink, barely managing to drink it as my hands were shaking so badly.
A man came out the door and said: Tine ?
Yep, the time has come, we shook hands and he led the way into his office, while Eirik drove off in is car.
I got into the room, 2 chairs, and he told me to chose one. I chose the one nearest the window, the chair faced the door I came in. I am not sure if I chose the chair intentionally or not, but I seemed to have chosen the one, where it was easiest for me to just run out of the room, I found the nearest exit, ready to be used.
Of course I didn't run out though, but he started talking and I felt the anxiety level just increased, I almost cried and felt I wanted to just walk out. I didn't cry, my medication inhibits me from crying, I can be very close to cry but a tear never comes. One of the backsides of medication, I do wish I could cry from time to time to let of some steam, but better to not cry then being depressed.
We talked about how my day to day routines are, what my goals would be with the treatment. I said, I want to be able to support myself. have a job, being social and being able to contribute to the society in some way.
He asked about how I feel on day to day basis, am I anxious ? Well, not that much I said, because well I isolate myself. I avoid situations that might make me anxious. But come to think about it, it's hard to actually challenge myself, I barely have any friends. I don't have work, what should I do outside? Say hello to random strangers? Go to a cafe by myself and smile at people?
I guess these are things I will figure out in group therapy, because that is what he suggested I should do.
There are many different groups I can join, and I have no clue which to chose,, They all seem so similar. Groups that makes you look at yourself, how you act, how you interpret how others act, how you understand their words.
Do I not understand what people are saying or acting? Because it seems that was the red line in most of the groups that are offered.
Most group is 1.5 hours a week for 12 weeks. There is one that lasts about a year, and one about 2 years. Well, they can last max 1 and 2 years, you can get better faster then that. But I think I want to chose the once that lasts a bit longer, because I don't think I will be ready for the real world after 12 meetings, it seems a bit short to me.
There was also the options of having 3 meetings a week for 12 weeks, but that sounds like a lot to dig into, to fast.
All in all the meeting went well, I have to chose a group I want to attend, while he goes through the papers I brought with me today and see what he thinks about my issues, and maybe he will have a suggestion for which group I need to take.
For now, I need to eat, I have not eaten all day, that is really bad. Hopefully I will manage to get one slice of pizza down, but I doubt it. I get sick of thinking about food in my mouth right now, it's just like its growing in there instead of getting chewed, I am sure you know what I mean. Sounds disgusting though, sorry :P
Anyways, thank you for your continued support, a lot of words were spoken to me today through my blog and twitter and they helped a lot :)
I owe you all many hugs and thanks.